Rubber ducky









     So I’ll take my bright yellow rubber ducky umbrella and stand in the pouring rain alone, just because I feel like it. I’ll tie my hair in a messy bun, not the pretty ones girls have but a really unflattering bun and pull my jeans up and try to climb that tree even if I’m scared and sure that I probably won’t get it the first time. I’ll let you into my room as I go wash my face clean and not worry that you can see my bare face and know how I look 7 in the morning because I’m okay with it. Some days I might talk a little too much and not hold back from the inappropriate jokes and the irrelevant details and not really regret it either, mainly because I don’t think my ties are fragile and I trust that they’ll love me and my flaws. I tend to sit like a guy a lot, I try not to but I just do. I cry easily, so very easily. I’m pretty lost most of the time, I think it’s the time in life where everyone is looking for themselves and I’m kind of stuck between wanting to find a stable comfort zone and running through the wild unknown. I’ve got dreams, so big they make me cry when I think of them. Not because I’ve given up but because I know I won’t stop until I’ve reached them. I really want to achieve them. I won’t give them up for anyone or anything. I’m a mix of strength and weakness, a contradiction of a fighter and a lover, the maiden yet a Queen. There are times I get so low I feel myself drifting away, sinking so low I lose myself, I take my time in situations like these.. I let myself drown and stay there a bit in the piercing silence. I let myself cry and I let myself hang at the edge of the cliff at times, but I never let go. I always come soaring back. I fight hard and fall hard. I’m growing, I can feel it. I see myself trying so much that is new and so much that I wouldn’t have done. It’s happening fast and that’s okay. Ego isn’t even in my dictionary anymore, I’m too tired for that shit. I say things unfiltered unless I feel that filtering is necessary. I’m not into conversations anymore unless they’re the type that have actual content. I’m stuck in between careless and careful, impulsively reckless and calculative about my decisions. I sometimes wanna grab a person and make them mine and show them all the love I have in me and blow up and let myself go, but I also want to take it slow and meet people and explore the world and everything it has. My time is now. Everyone around me seems to be equally confused and that is of no help, hahaha. But this is the age to be as confused as we are. There are times I go out with a chocolate bar and sit and just stare at the world around me trying to remember as much of it as I can for I wouldn’t want to be taking anything for granted or missing out on anything. The future is now. It’s game time.  

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